Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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