I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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