I want to stick my p in your. b.
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
