this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
