I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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