Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Randomize
