the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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