can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize