I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
