I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Blood and glitter go together right?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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