And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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