Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
