I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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