sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
