Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
it's like iHOP with fire
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
