He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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