hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
