If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
