forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
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