She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
