Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
