last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I'm at about main and main street
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
