if you like me you must not know who I am
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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