Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
