I'm jealous of your bromance
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
