Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
