Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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