I met the friendliest cop last night
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
