Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Randomize
