y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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