My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Well I just put wine in my tea
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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