Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize