my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
