Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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