WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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