a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
