Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
