Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
