i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Randomize
