If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
