Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
