my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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