i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
