There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize