i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Text me some of your sweat
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
