She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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