Please, let me fuck your mom
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Randomize
