I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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