awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
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