Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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