A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
