Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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