I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
