Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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