he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Randomize
